I wasn’t always the woman I am today who is self-assured, confident, bold and outspoken. At some point I was just a weakling going through the motions of life as best as I can, given the circumstances I had to deal with in my young life. Sometimes when I look back I can’t really believe it’s me who’s lived such a life which is a blend of heartache, joy, lows a nd highs.
I lost both of my parents in my teens, a pain that would stay with me for the rest of my life. As I look back and see things in perspective, there have been so many opportunities for me to be a better person which I never took because I was always blaming circumstance therefore never reaching for my greatness.
I resented my father for who I thought he was; a liar and a cheater who couldn’t keep “it” in his pants, to a degree it broke the union he and my mother had which robbed me of a life of being raised by two loving parents whom I meant the world to and because of that thinking, I made bad decisions which in a strange twist of fate, ultimately have shaped who I am today.
I grew up in a four roomed house in a township called Mdantsane, East London. I was mainly raised by my mother whom I adored beyond any comprehension, although at times she had such a harsh outlook on life which would hurt me at times, I realise she was only doing the best she could with what she had. My mother was a dreamer who had one of the majestic voices on earth and even as I sing today I celebrate her life through my own voice which I am thankful that she passed on to me. Because she was a dreamer, there were times when she wasn’t around, chasing her dreams of being a musician and an actress.
In the instances where she was gone, I would be left in the tender care of my great grandmother who taught me everything I know about religion and belief as every Sunday without fail, she would take me to Sunday school which I found tedious and boring because all I wanted to do was to be around her.
My father was a bit of an enigma because I grew up not knowing who he was, we never bonded, I despised my father for his lack of honesty, morals, and values. I don’t think he understood just how much I looked up to him as a daughter and a part of me feels like he contributed to my bad choices in the men I dated. He had this way of making empty promises that always broke my heart which ultimately led me to the belief that because he couldn’t keep his word then all men were just as he was.
He unwittingly did this at a pivotal moment in my life where I was just breaking into my teens and going through a confusion of not understanding my own emotions. I had so many questions in my head and I felt rejected when he sent me back to my mom after I had taken the initiative earlier on in my life to find him.
For the greater part of my life I felt and thought that my father didn’t love me because of his actions as a result at his funeral I was just so angry and miserable that he died before I’d had a chance to torture him with my success and negligence. I wanted him to live long enough for me to become successful so that I could abandon and neglect him just so he could feel what I felt.
All this while I was never realising just how the anger and hate were consuming me, turning me into a monster and as a result I was failing dismally at school. Even though I acted as though I didn’t care, I did yet I had this deep desire to do and be bad purely because inside me was a little girl screaming for affection; I performed poorly at school as an effort to jolt my parents, my father especially, into loving me.